madness is the name
by Imaginarivalued
Summary: Aang's setting things on fire, Katara's angry, Zuko may be humping a barrel, Sokka's to be blame, and so everyone's completely out of character. Utter crack.
1. Chapter 1

"What the hell happened!?" Katara fairly roared because, well, by all perspectives, the Avatar was running wild in the city without a shirt.

"Well," Sokka started, "I can tell you what was _supposed_ to happen. And it's not this."

Another roof blew up.

"TAKE THAT YOU MUTANT HOGMONKEYS!!"

Shattered pieces of aforementioned roof meteored on everything below and screams of panic filled the night sky of Ba Sing Se.

"Aang!!" Katara called out, "Stop it! You're going to hurt yourself!"

Sokka snorted, "Are you kidding? At the rate he's going we're gonna be buried under charred tiles before he can bruise a pinkie."

Katara swiveled to Sokka like an angry bat looking for hell and practically put him a chokehold, "I'll make you into a gigantic purple mass of pained moaning if you don't tell me what you did to make this happen!!"

"What! So it's automatically my fault!?" he said in indignation, before he remembered that his little sister was going to throttle the life out of him, "Um, yes, I plead absolutely guilty! It's entirely my fault! J-just let me kiss Suki and Zuko goodbye—"

"Zuko!" Katara gasped as if suddenly remembering a baby forgotten in a cart left in a lava pit and dropped her brother to search for the present Fire Lord to find him still gazing skyward in concentrated stupor.

"Zuko?" she repeated cautiously and tentatively poked his shoulder, "are you okay?"

She didn't even have time to scream before he gripped both of her shoulders and stared at her with dilating pupils.

"Katara. The sky. It's raining FIRE FLAKES!"

Zuko then pounced backwards and started catching the debris with his mouth.

Katara caught Sokka with a waterwhip before he could escape and pinned him against a wall. "I'm thinking strangulation. Dissuade me."

"Okay, okay, okay. So you know how you and Aang are getting married, which I think is a dumb idea because you're both too young to—"

Katara whacked his head against the wall a couple of times.

"Right. So you know how I said I wanted to take Aang out on one last guys' night out before you two tied the knot of the wondrous event known as marriage?"

"Wait," Katara almost choked in disbelief, "are you saying Aang is just drunk?"

"Well," Sokka drawled, sheepishly scratching his cheek, "he's _also _drunk."

"PULL UP YOUR PANTS, OZAI, AND FACE ME LIKE A PROPER TYRANICAL JERKBENDER!!"

"At first we were just hanging out at Iroh's teashop cuz' Zuko was being a total party pooper and said Aang shouldn't have to do anything he didn't want to just because he's getting married which sums up to complete nonsense in my opinion."

"YIP YIP, APPA! TAKE TO THE SKY AND LICK THE COTTON CANDIES!!"

"But eventually I was able to persuade them to join me at the Drunken Moose-Lion for a couple of rounds."

_Whack._

"Don't look smug."

"Alright, alright, sheesh. You're messing up my wolf's tail."

"APPA! HAVE YOU LOST THE ABILITY TO FLYYYYYY!?"

"We all kinda thought Aang would be a lightweight, which he totally is, but it turns out he's also an aggressive drunk. So, um, surprise! Something you don't know about your would-be hubbie!"

Katara looked flabbergasted, "So this _is_ just because you forced him against his will?"

Sokka scowled in offense, "Hey, don't make me out to be the bad guy here, I couldn't really force anything on him if he was that opposed to the idea. It's just that, well, temptation seems to be quite sneaky. And before I knew it, he was kinda out of it and kept shouting about things I couldn't understand because he was bawling like a big baby while doing it."

"WHY ARE THERE SO MANY FLOATING HEADS!?"

"Seriously, I just wanted him to lose some inhibition and maybe spill a few funny and embarrassing secrets to help me write my speech."

"STOP STARING AT ME! SO WHAT IF I DON'T HAVE HAIR!? IT WAS BY CHOICE!"

"I think I may have overachieved my goals."

Katara's death glare developed its own incisors.

"Why do these fire flakes taste like burnt barstools?" Zuko spat and tried to hide in a barrel, "This wall of fire will protect me. Katara, Sokka, come hide with me!"

Katara shook Sokka once, "That does NOT explain why they're acting like they're completely out of their minds!"

Sokka looked a little cross-eyed, "It does when I mention that I _may_ have spiked the drinks with a few spoonfuls of cactus juice?"

Katara owl-eyed him, "You didn't…"

"You're right, it was actually the entire flask. Sorry?"

"KATARA! I'M NOTHING WITHOUT YOU! PLEASE DON'T BECOME THE MOON!"

"Okay, even I don't have a clue about that."

"For crying out loud, Sokka," Katara reprimanded and dropped him, "I trust him with you for one night and now the entire city is practically on _fire_!"

"I WON'T LET YOU TAKE HER WITHOUT A FIGHT YOU CURSED MUTANT HOGMONKEYS!!"

"And now Aang thinks he's battling weird hogmonkeys for my safety!"

"I think it's a sweet gesture."

"And you!" Katara shouted as she marched towards the distracted firebender, "I saved your life and this is how you repay me!? By succumbing to a drug-induced stupor and hiding in barrels!?"

"Technically, he saved your life first and _you_ repaid—"

"_I'm angry_," She reminded him effectively.

"KATARA'S SWEET LIPS ARE FOR ME AND ME ONLY, YOU UGLY ABOMINATIONS! SHE'S MY FOREVER GIRL!!"

Katara looked dizzy with heat, "Oh dear La, what kind of fight is he having?"

Sokka grinned at her from his place on the ground, "_Forever Girl_?"

The waterbender blushed as she scowled, "It-it's nothing, just a—stop smiling like that and help—Zuko, stop humping the barrel!"

"Aw, let the guy hump whatever he wants. It's stressful being the Flaming Lord."

"You shut it. Help Zuko, er, un-hump the barrel and get help! Toph, Suki, Iroh, somebody!"

She then took off without threatening the command into Sokka which was a confirmed mistake when he grinned.

"Hey, Zuko, let's go find Toph so she can earthbend some sense into whoever needs it. No, no, keep the barrel."

"WHICH ONE OF YOU ATE MY SHIRT!?"

"Oh, man, my speech is going to be awesome."

* * *

Just something I wrote to unwind. I'm regretting it each second I'm writing it. I'll most likely delete it later. So, apologies.


	2. Chapter 2

"All right," Sokka said authoritatively, "so what did we manage to learn?"

"That eating strange mushrooms leads to hallucinations and thus initiates hilarious Zuko-butt dancing?"

"You were to one who tricked me into—"

"Ooo! Pick me! Pick me!"

"That Toph _really_ never washes her stupid feet?"

"That Twinkletoes is extremely easily distracted by Katara's midriff?"

"I am not!" Aang protested, but continued to stare intently at said glorious midriff shamelessly, having discarded all semblance of dignity long ago. Crossed eyes were an understatement.

"Aang, you're doing it again," Katara scolded lovingly, and tapped the boy's eyes into proper order.

Sokka looked like he was about to commit mutilation via gnawing. "Fine. I knew this would happen anyway. So, while everyone else was letting their lack of priorities lead them, _I_, Sokka, managed to gain possession of this here ancient scroll."

Toph picked her nose with her toe, earning disgusted looks all around. "Cool. What's it for?"

"Dammit, Toph! Haven't you been paying attention!?"

"Uh," Aang raised a hand nervously, "I don't know either. I was, um, distracted. By nature's beauty, or something."

Katara beamed not so subtly.

Sokka looked like he wanted to scream. Or cry. Or make Aang bleed. "The Qilin! We're here for the Qilin!!"

"The killing!?" Toph exclaimed with a mad grin, "Awesome! I wanted to collect some blood between my toes—"

"It's pronounced _chee-ling_, mud-in-ears—"

"Aang, you're doing it again—"

"CHILI BOOWAWAH!!" Ty Lee added excitedly.

Mai looked mildly concerned. "Is this how all your adventures go?"

"_YES_!!" Zuko wailed pathetically.

Suki took this opportunity to 'accidentally' feed the firebender another poisonous mushroom.

Zuko promptly spat the cursed fungus out and glared at the Kyoshi warrior as if she were the Root of All Evil.

"ANYWAY," Sokka growled and unrolled the scroll, "according to these cryptic messages and symbols on the scroll, we have to—"

"Yeah, I totally see the cryptic-ness there."

"No one is falling for that thirty times, Toph."

"—_oooo_ draw the Qilin out with purity and innocence."

Mai looked suspicious. "Seriously?"

"That's what it translates out to, yes."

"So what?" Zuko cawed, "We have to feed it babies or something?"

Suki and Katara looked horrified. Toph looked mildly interested.

"No," Sokka drawled (Suki and Katara exhaled in relief), "but we _are_ gonna lure it out with Katara."

Zuko blinked and stared at the alarmed waterbender. "I don't see it." Katara punched him in his good eye.

Ty Lee laughed. "I get it!"

Sokka crossed his arms. "It's simple. Purity and innocence _equals_ virginal. Don't stare at me like that. I've totally got this figured out. Thus all we have to do is get one of us out there. So if you don't mind, Katara—"

Katara snorted. "I think we're a couple month too late for me to qualify—oof! A-aang, why'd you do that—oh, yeah. Um, still completely innocent and pure here, yessir. Sex? Is that a new type of hair pins? I wouldn't know because hands are the only things I've ever held. One hundered percent purity right here. Except for the lips. That's a forty percent. Maybe."

Aang tried to make himself small.

Sokka looked like he was contemplating eating the Avatar's fingers. "I'm so telling Dad. (_Katara: I wash your clothes you ungrateful bas—_) Alrighty, then. Toph, I guess that means it's gotta be—"

"Pffft! As if." The petite earthbender stared (?) pointedly at the current Fire Lord. Everyone blinked rapidly and turned to the firebender.

Zuko looked away. "Uh, she's delusional. Absolutely crazy."

Katara glared at him as if he were the Lowest Form of Scum. "She's like, twelve!"

"_Sixteen going on seventeen_," Toph sang as she laughed.

Katara swiveled to a surprisingly nonchalant Mai. "You're okay with this!?"

The noblewoman tilted her head with the faintest of grins. "Who said I was left out?"

Jaws went hanging. Katara looked bewildered. Suki looked oddly excited. Sokka tried not to be envious. Zuko started digging a hole.

Aang's eyes went blank for a second. "I am, for some reason, _very _intrigued." He looked at Katara.

The waterbender glowered in return. "I am _not_ the sharing type."

"Drats."

Sokka rubbed his eyes, suddenly emotionally drained due to realizing most of his friends were sex fiends, and considered his remaining options. He looked at Ty Lee.

The girl noticed. She shook her head and wagged her eyebrows.

Toph chortled. "_Duh_."

Sokka sighed and turned to his girlfriend. "I hate to ask this, Suki, but can you—"

She looked guilty. Alarm sirens went off in his head.

"Sokka, before I met you, there was this—"

"WHO IS IT!? I DEMAND TO KNOW WHO—"

"—girl………"

"……OH……"

Mai and Toph grinned. Zuko popped his head out of the hole. Katara muttered that the whole world was despicable. Aang looked thoughtful again. Ty Lee looked at Suki appreciatively. Suki edged away.

Repressing everything that happened in the last fifteen minutes, Sokka looked at the group. "I guess we can always go back and get Azula. That's definitely a shoo in for—" and promptly stopped as he noticed everyone's stares and also came to the same conclusion of him being the only virgin present. "How can this be!?" he howled.

Toph grinned. "The scroll never specified anything about the bait being female, did it?"

Aang and Katara looked equally wicked. "I would think not."

"Don't worry, Sokka! I'll make sure you look pretty! This is going to be even better than Zuko-butt dancing!"

"CROSSDRESS BROOHAHAH!!" Ty Lee cheered.

"Don't forget to blush a little," Mai added all-smirks.

"DAMN YOU UNIVERSE AND THE PERVERSE CIRCLE OF LIFE!!" Sokka cursed as he was dragged off.

Zuko sighed contentedly and trailed after the group. "Good ol' days."

* * *

AN: Everyone is totally IC? I thought so too. Yeah, so, this going to be where I put all of my ATLA cracks from now on. Small warning, I will move this one to a later chapter entry as I did continue the plot (?) in the first entry with more shenanigans that will be placed as chapter two and so on. Order in a crack series? Yeah, I don't get it either. Anyway, so you don't have to review if you don't want to.

Also, if anyone (which I doubt) is concerned that I'm not updating my other stuff, don't worry, I _will_ finish those in due time. Things I post carelessly are usually things that I wrote for no more reason than perverse amusement. Like this one. It's also not that original. I think I got inspiration somewhere else. I just don't remember where. Ah, well. Look up Qilin if you want, but don't expect the information to coincide with this. It doesn't. It's just for fun. Later.


End file.
